How (Not) to Handle a Bully

How to Use Anthro | Tip #C1
You never know what details may become important later, so record everything in painful detail — including data outside your immediate research goals.

"This kid, this really big kid, pointed at me from the other side of the field and started yellin’ somethin’. I figured I’d ignore him and keep walkin’, you know? A few seconds later, WHAM! That big kid tackled me from behind, and started kicking dirt in my face. I started chokin’. I tried to get up again, but he just shoved me back down." The youngster hid his face in his hands. "They laughed at me," he choked. "They all laughed."

I’d started my boxing club as a social experiment with very specific goals, and I hadn’t expected this. So I followed my instincts: I hugged him. I told him I went through the same thing before I learned boxing. I told him he wouldn’t always feel so helpless. I failed, however, to take any notes.

A year after beginning my research at Ashkuff’s Boxing Fitness, I wish I hadn’t limited myself to business research. Among other aspects, I wish I’d documented my students’ many experiences with bullying. Lately, popular media’s taken a stand against bullying — a sometimes naïve stand — and some ethnographic research could offer useful insights.

Take, for example, this Public Service Announcement (PSA) featuring Cartoon Network’s "The Dudes." On their show, Dude, What Would Happen, they pose hypotheticals and test them out. In this PSA, they advise children to turn their backs on attacking bullies, and "just calmly walk away." Reasonable as it sounds, however, this hypothetical forgets that bullies aren’t above tackling their victims from behind. And, as boxers know, getting struck from behind is dangerous business.

Based on personal experience and ethnographic research, I’m confident that this PSA offers some dangerous advice. However, my research isn’t thorough enough to jam down Cartoon Network’s throat. How could I have avoided this?

Simply, I should’ve taken more thorough notes. Even the best anthropologists never know what details may become important later, so remember to record everything in painful detail — including data outside your immediate research goals. In fact, I suggest trying to overdo it somewhat, and amass databases of notes, photos, video, and audio.

Have you ever squared off with a bully? How do you think they should be handled? Anthropologists: have you ever wished you could go back, and redo your research? Of course, any other thoughts are welcome, too. I put a lot of thought into these posts, and I sure do love it when people leave comments. Even short, stupid ones. So be awesome, and click here to say something. No registration nor email required. Yay, free speech!

ONLY 30 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN AWESOME ENOUGH TO COMMENT. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH!

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Piesmiter says:

I read an article a little while ago about a young girl (I think she was 14 or 15) who killed herself because she got sexually assaulted while she was passed out at a party (which is why I don’t suggest getting passed out at a party. I’m going to think the best of her and suggest that maybe she was just tired) and then some of the guys who did it posted pictures of her getting raped (what kind of a generation are we raising if people are effing soulless and brainless enough to snap photos of them raping somebody on their phone and then post that shit to Twitter and Facebook??) and it went all around her school. So she posted “Worst Day Ever” on her twitter account one day and then killed herself.

Piesmiter says:

Oh, and the guys who raped her and then drove her to suicide? They’ll probably get like 5-6 years at most because they’re ‘just kids’.

Ashkuff says:

Wow. Posting fbook photos of yourself committing sexual assault.
Numerically, what’s the ratio of stupidity to soullessness?

I put it at 2:3.

Bec Nemo says:

Thank you for posting this.
I agree with the guy above who said Laughter is a good response to a Threatening situation. If you can make someone laugh, or even just laugh if off, then people don’t know what to do. Unfortunately this is actually harder that it sounds and I applaud anyone who can do it.
This approach is really BECOMING SOMETHING THE AGGRESSOR WASN\’T EXPECTING.
Someone (Know ur enemy) said above: \”You must return their efforts with aggression\”

Ashkuff says:

(shrugs to self) Personally, I wouldn’t say you “need to be more aggressive than the bully” to make Know Your Enemy’s tactics work. If the bully’s just looking for a quick power fix, you need only respond aggressively enough to become a poor target.

Oh, nature example! You don’t need to be the toughest bull in a herd to ward off predators, because most predators stalk a herds’ weakest stragglers. You only need enough aggression to avoid seeming like the easiest meal.

Of course, your advice to SEEK HELP makes a lot of sense in its own right! We place teachers in authority for important reasons, like safety and discipline. They need to be brought in. However, teachers aren’t omnipresent, and there’s not much they can do for someone AFTER a youngster gets beaten up and/or humiliated.

Erik House says:

However the teacher part only matters if the bullying happens in school. The internet has made bullying outside of school and even from peers who you might never have met. There’s a good short documentary called “The Bullies Playground” directed by Quentin McDermott. It focus on the new wave of bullying which includes cyberbulling.

www.amazon.com/The-Bullies-Pla.....ords=bully

Ashkuff says:

Hmmm. You know, I keep hearing about cyberbullying on the news, but I’m afraid I just don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that cyberbullying offers a lot of emotional abuse. I understand how awgul that can feel.

However, since cyberbullying offers little-to-no chance of physical violence, I think it’s an altogether different problem from the “bullying” you get in person.

Still awful, of course.
But different.

Thoughts?

Piesmiter says:

So having just watched the full length video for the first time, I think it’s astonishing and terrible that their advice is ‘talk to an adult, and if the adult blows you off because he doesn’t give a shit about bullying, don’t change tactics, just keep trying that same goddamn thing until one of the kids gets killed or the adult finishes his beer and decides the only way to get rid of you is to go temporarily break up the fight’.

That is such useless advice, I don’t think it qualifies as advice. I feel like this is the television advertisement version of an adult not giving a shit about bullying.

Ashkuff says:

Heck, even IF the adult responds immediately, it’ll take a few seconds for them to intercede. Seconds count! On a good day, I can throw about three punches a second; if they all connect, that’s a broken nose, a black eye, and an earache.

Imagine what someone bigger and meaner than me could accomplish, while bystanders are busy tugging on their teacher’s sleeves!

Don’t get me wrong, of course. Grabbing an authority figure sounds like a good idea. But it’s not a standalone solution.

Know your enemy says:

Hey! I got 2 cents to give on this subject!

You’re correct, Ashkuff, that the ad is giving potentially dangerous advice.

This is because it is giving advice for a very specific situation with a very specific type of bully, i.e. one who is nothing more than a shit talker and not really going to use violence. These are typical adult bullies and, as this ad was put together by adults, it is not surprising that it depicts such a D-bag. Having personally dealt with innumerable Legions of such Bags of D, with varying degrees of success, I can say that walking away or ignoring them or the like can in fact be an effective tool to neutralize the clout of their opinion in the eyes of the public. Particularly when used dismissively and as a long term strategy. Hell it even made its way into the 48 Laws of Power.

After all, the goal of these bullies is to display to the other monkeys that they are capable of domination, to whatever degree they are capable. That they are at least not the omega. Because in any tribe there can only be one alpha, and unless you’re getting picked on by that one dude, the bully is probably getting some shit from someone too, in my experience.

Shit doesn’t roll uphill, except in case of revolution.

Now, I have also dealt with violent bullies. Violent bullies must not be ignored! When presented with a bully that you deem capable of violence, you must return their efforts with aggression. This can, once again depending on the specifics, take the form of verbal confrontation as long as you too are willing to defend yourself physically if the verbal tactic fails. They might sense your willingness to return fire physically and back off, as a bully picks on those unwilling/unable to defend themselves verbally/physically. Either way, open war is upon you whether you would risk it or not. You may as well resign yourself to either kicking ass or getting your ass kicked.

If the situation has already progressed to Ultimate Fighting on the playground then well, fuck, you just gotta kick ass and preferably in front of all the other monkeys. Nothing to lose at that point.

But the same situation you described, Ashkuff, happened to me when I used the tactic of walking away from a bully who I had failed to diagnose as violent. You know what happened? A brand. Not figuratively. Literally. Hot piece of glass. From behind. Still got the scar. I then proceeded to flip a shit and get ready to throw my monkey poo. But I thought better of it, dutifully following the inapplicable rubric of this ad. I did the right thing. Told an adult. You know what happened? We were both suspended for the same amount of time.

In the end, what put a stop to what could have been an escalating and continuing string of bullying was not walking away or telling an adult. Also, the shattering majority of people are too weak to stand up for someone else, and a plurality will join in, so help from your peers is out the window. What worked was, yes, the aforementioned flinging of poo in the acute situation. But more importantly, it was the fact that forever after the branding, everything about me from my body language to my actual language told this person that I wanted to hurt them Biblically. I wasn’t going to start anything, but I was looking for a reason to have a do over. And we didn’t have any more problems!

The ad is wrong on all counts for this most dangerous type of bully.

So this doesn’t all fit into a nice little 1:30 ad. What could be a clever but politically incorrect bullying ad, however, is that you must know you’re enemy. Know your enemy and respond accordingly. A time of love, a time of hate, a time of war, a time of peace, a time to kill. Kids and adults must be savvy enough to diagnose the type bully cancer they face. Then you may treat it accordingly. Bullies are unique snowflakes with little pieces of dung sewn into every bite, and no dung pattern is the same.

Know your enemy.

Gdamn that Sun Tzu was a smart fella!

Ashkuff says:

Wow, Know Your Enemy! Thank you for such a thorough comment! Sorry if my response is a bit short by comparison, though.

You have a fine point: this advice might work on a ONE PARTICULAR TYPE of bully. I suppose the silly part is the assumption that it would work on ALL TYPES of bullies.

I also like your observation that that this commercial was probably produced by adults, who lack a youngster’s perspective. Normally, that’s what you’d hire an anthropologist for; to work with the youngsters themselves and help represent their perspectives.

Wait. Talk of revolution? Flinging monkey poo? Getting branded? Sun Tzu? [Pauses for a moment, frowns thoughtfully.] Krazy Legs, is that you, man?

Jeremy says:

When I started to learn martial arts I asked how to best deal with someone getting in my face and starting problems. My Sifu told me that if I could make them laugh then most of the anger and threat will dissolve and if it doesn’t then the unusual reaction will throw the attackers momentium off and give me an openning. I have to say that this sounds kinda stupid, but it works! Most people dont know how to deal with someone making jokes when they are being threatening. Also, it relaxes the victim which allows them to react better to the possible attack coming their way.

Ashkuff says:

You know, I’ve actually seen that work back in high school. Some bully got in another kid’s face and the kid started waving his arms around and howling like a monkey. Crazy as it sounds, there was nothing threatening-looking about it. It was just… funny as Hell. Bully started laughing, the kid started laughing, we all started laughing, then we all went to class without a single punch thrown.

That said, I think that approach takes an uncommonly cool head, no to mention great comedic timing.

Lauren Kent says:

So let me get this straight, quite a lot of your students at the boxing club were joining becasue they were being bullied at school etcetera? That ish is real man! And I agree with Erika about learning some psychological self defence.

Taking field notes on the psychology of a person has always been a bit of a challange for me. While I love to talk to people about deep issues, in my short experience with field work, as soon as I started trying to delve a little deeper into the feelings behind segregation and other emotional issues my informants clammed shut.

So while I took eight months worth of fieldnotes, pictures and videos, i still felt that I had too much of my own interpretation of the informants feelings. That said, becasue I have three books of notes and several gigs of pictures, I believe I had gotten to know the informants (dancers) better than if I had spent a speedy month of two trying to dig out their feelings.

Redo research…? Nah, rather try to expand on what you have already done.

Ashkuff says:

Truly, we had some real little men in my club. Trained a 10y/o who was manlier than most 20-somethings I know.

Clammy respondents have never been an issue for me, though. Not sure why. Heck, some of my professors and classmates have even expressed confusion at the way respondents open up to me. (shrugs to self) I’d like to think that’s my “talent” as an anthropologist, you know, to compensate for my utter lack of talent with numbers or scheduling. (Laughs Out Loud)

Whether it had too much of your interpretation or not, that’s a pretty sizable database you put together! Congrats!

Barry R. Bainton says:

Collecting notes, and the right notes, are always a problem, especially as an ethnographer since our research goals are softer and more imprecise than found in many other social sciences. And this is as it should be. We are doing qualitative research that more often is scouting the terrain and uncharted domains of our research subject. So, how to stay focused and yet capture the serendipity?

I agree with you. Take more pictures, make more videos records, and sound recordings in order to include elements of context and background that can be analyzed later. Certainly structure your interviews and observations in terms of the research focus, but back these up with a personal journal that focuses on your role and context as the participant.

I find that such journals have forced me to think and recall events and my reactions to these contextual elements of the research that may be outside the central focus. This provides context and acts to delineate the role that we played in the interview and the results. Further, I’ve found that you can use the journal as a guide to review and evaluate your research design and progress.

Your recalling the event with the bully is an example of what one might find if this event hadve been entered into your journal at the time it occurred.

A point well made!

Ashkuff says:

Well, I’m glad to have the insight of an experienced anthropologist. I’m glad to hear these techiques have worked for you. Personally, I feared that the “capture it all” approach might interfere with our primary research goals. But as you said, anthropologists’ goals are usually a little imprecise anyway.

Thanks!

Piesmiter says:

I hope all three of those bastards die in a fire. Not because of this PSA. Just … because.

Ashkuff says:

I, uh… I respect how strongly-formed your opinions are.

Erik House says:

True, turning your back on a potential violent situation is (almost) always a bad idea. The question become of course, what do people who have no self defense, martial, or what ever skills to do.
In addition to physical self-defense I think that it might be helpful for people to actually lean psychological self-defense as well as verbal self defense to deal with bullying. Many of these skills often accompany the confidence that is a subset of the learnings from self- defense etc. but can be and in some cases should be taught separately.

Ashkuff says:

“The question become of course, what do people who have no self defense, martial, or what ever skills to do?” Spectacular question. Honestly, I’m not sure. Before I learned boxing and grappling, I just kinda tried to back out of arm’s reach. But that has it’s problems too. So, as always, MORE RESEARCH IS REQUIRED!!!!

Erik House says:

Hmm, I could have sworn I had typed “becomes” not become, oh well. Yes, backing out of arms reach of course only helps if you’re not encircled.
I think there’s a mater of confidence in walking away too, are you walking away with your head up, alert to your surroundings, or are you slinking away.

Ashkuff says:

OMG WHAT IS *WITH* THAT CIRCLE KIDS FORM AROUND SCHOOLYARD FIGHTS?! LEAST. PRACTICAL. THING. EVER.

[sighs heavily]

Backing up also poses a tripping hazard.

Erik House says:

Well, circles are useful for once one person’s down that others to then just rush in and get their kicks in. Its a mob mentality/pack mentality, more then an affective mentality. Think more like domestic dogs that have gone feral or run in packs then say wolves.

Ashkuff says:

Pack mentality? Oh, man. We just left anthropology, and hit social psych.

Erik House says:

When you’re talking about bullies and bullying even from an anthropological view you’ll have to look at social psychology.

Ashkuff says:

Sure, sure. Of course. Social psych’s just a tad outside my expertise, personally.

Piesmiter says:

I think you’re right about psychological self-defense. Adolescents need the support to build resilient worldviews and the complex system most parents think of as just ‘self esteem’. And if a kid can’t protect who he or she is in the middle of this hurricane, then it doesn’t matter if they can protect themselves physically.

Middle school and high school are the prime time for the formation of ontological viewpoints (roughly, how people view the outside world) and memes relating to self-esteem, peer groups, personal worth and one’s place in the hierarchical world. Too often I’ve found that professionals use that godawful, simplistic example of colored glasses – ie “High school is when your child forms the glasses through which they see the world, and what color those glasses are decides much of his or her adult life”. I prefer to say that these time periods are when pre-adults unconsciously form what everything in the world symbolizes to them.

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